This week marks the one year anniversary of my mom's sudden death. (That's her in the picture above). Today, my girlfriend lost her mom unexpectedly, and my best friend from high school has a ten year old son that is dying. God, life is short and sometimes unbearably painful. So many of us live on autopilot. Waking up day after day, following the same routine day in and day out. We live under the false illusion that somehow we are in control of our circumstances, when in reality we are not. Life is a gift. We never know when or how it will end, yet so many of us waste the time we have been given. That's something I've become very in tune with since my surgery. How much time is spent wasted. We play on our computers scrolling for hours on social media sites, we are constantly on our phones, we watch way too much TV (darn that Netflix), or simply spend our valuable time complaining about the little things in life (eye roll). You know you're guilty of it~ of wasting time. We all are. Although this past year has been a time of great sadness for me, it has also been a time of huge personal growth. Life has taken on new meaning. I'm doing things I had been putting off, like finishing my Master's degree, and traveling to new far away places. Little things that most people would find meaningless, now bring me joy like never before. I love deeper, hug tighter, hold on longer, forgive more....and I am more mindful of my time. This is what death and darkness has taught me: time really IS precious. You hear this saying all the time, but it literally takes on a new meaning after life body slams you to the ground.
Death comes easy to no one. We grieve, we mourn, we sometimes go on spewing hateful thoughts at the notion of God or to try and find a spiritual meaning to the unfairness of
life (or was that just me?). Watching my mom struggle to take her last breath, and not being able to help her left me feeling completely helpless. I have always been a spiritual seeker of sorts, but the death of my mom ignited in me a more passionate search for meaning, for a better understanding of life after death, and a reexamination of my faith. I have had to repeatedly tell myself over the past year, that faith is not a feeling, it's a decision to keep believing, even through the pain. God didn't take my mom, he spared her more pain and suffering.
I actually feel closer to my her now than when she was alive. Since I lost her, my life has been flooded with miracles, blessings, grace, and visions I can't explain and don't deserve. The happiness, joy, love, and numerous gifts I have now are a result of the darkness that I labored through last year. Maybe the saying is true, That only by walking through the darkness can you find the light~ but boy the darkness sucks.
I wish I had the right words to say to my two girlfriends or for anyone dealing with tragedy and loss~ but there aren't any. Life is a bittersweet symphony of good times and bad. I read an article that said, when you are knee deep in the darkness and can't find any light, its called the emergence of the soul, not the darkness of the soul. It's here when you realize that you are not your circumstances, but something far greater. I know this now from personal experience. These moments, these defining moments, are a struggle at the time and they totally suck. They are devastatingly painful, and will make you question the purpose of life, and as unbelievable as it sounds, they will also force you to go deeper into yourself where you discover your inner power and essence of who you really are. They will also painfully teach you just how precious time really is.